where to start......

i am currently living someone else's life. if you know what i mean. i have this sense of myself-- my actual, real self-- but it's like she is living across the street, waving hello every once in a while. i kind of run into her when i am back to doing something that makes sense, like finding somewhere (alone) to read or shop, or seeing a friend i don't get to see that often..... the rest of the time, i am here in a little, christian town trying to navigate through the doctrine, the orange hunting caps, the homophobia and the vendors who all close by 5 p.m. someone else's life, you see? it sounds pretty melodramatic and angst-ridden and all of that, but i guess if angela chase could do it, why not....

and if you ever took greek mythology or, more to the point, saw parker posey in the epic and underrated movie, "party girl," you know who sisyphus was. if not, then you should go watch "party girl" and i will tell you that sisyphus was a very crafty king-- kind of a "shady douchebag" if you will-- who, as punishment for acting like a tool, was condemned, and possibly compelled, to roll this huge rock up a hill for all eternity. as soon as he neared the top of the hill, the rock would roll back down, and the process would start all over again...... some people who are much better-read than i am will argue that this punishment was more due to the fact that he thought himself as wise, if not wiser, than zeus. and you don't want to think yourself too wise, i guess....it reminds me a bit of a friend of mine who will constantly tell me that i think too much about things. in particular, metaphysical things and things to do with how i see myself. eventually i started wondering if i was being punished in some cosmic way for asking all the questions i have asked, having all the doubts i have and wondering what the hell i am supposed to be doing with myself now apart from working a dead-end job, mothering a child and attempting to know how to be a spouse when i work so much better solo....

all that being said, i decided to start writing because it's something to do while i deal with this rock, this hill, and this sense of time that keeps brushing ahead of me in this mocking and bitchy way. kind of like michael kors on the streets of new york. but i'm saving him for a later blog. obviously.