fear

"the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom" proverbs 1:7


i am afraid of God. and, yes, i am aware that the fear spoken of in a lot of christian doctrine has more to do with awe and reverence and less to do with stomach-clenching anxiety. nevertheless, i am afraid of God. and here is why.

i was 16 years old when i attended a church play which, unbeknownst to me, was what churches call an "outreach" tool. it was aimed at the unsaved, unwashed masses such as myself. the very lovely people who invited me just wanted my soul to be saved. i guess they were a bit afraid, too. anyway, the play- which was called "heaven's gates, hell's flames" (subtle and abstract, i know) - was comprised of scenes in which various people died and then- you guessed it- either went to heaven or hell. more accurately, they were either ushered into heaven by really pretty, glossy-haired angels or dragged to hell by menacing and less glossy-haired demons. obviously brimstone is not meant to infuse hair with moisture and shine, so i don't debate their casting decisions....

there was a particular scene which gripped me most and which i actually still think of from time to time. a mother and her small daughter who looked to be about 8 or 9 years old were driving somewhere and got into a car crash. they were both killed instantly and, upon realizing they were dead, they were very much afraid. the angels approach the scene, much like glossy-haired cops, and you then think they are both going to traipse off to heaven and rejoin gramma and pap pap and everyone. but, no. it seems that since mom had been a christian, but kind of a crappy parent as far as instilling religious beliefs, she gets to go to heaven and her little daughter is dragged off to hell in front of her. that little 8 year-old meryl streep screamed her guts out and was kicking and thrashing and calling for her mother the whole way off stage left. and i was terrified. children die. that was difficult enough for me to accept as a young person. but children shouldn't get dragged off to hell. i became a christian that night. because i was afraid not to.

two weeks later when my mother died at the age of 38 from hiv-related illness, i had suprising peace. i really did not understand fully what being a christian meant or any real idea at all of who God was, but there was a chaplain there who told me that, whether or not we know or care about God, God knows and cares about us. at the time it was a great comfort. at times it is still a great comfort. but most times nowadays i just don't know.

my relationship with God over the past 15 years has been a unique one in so many ways, both good and bad. in seminary i was introduced to meditation and, to this day, it has been one of the most significant and honest experiences of my life. in those moments, i became aware of absolutely everything all at once and it was terrifying and huge and grand and beautiful and amazing. i think there was God in that. and God was so much larger and infinite than i, or any religion, could explain with doctrine or a menacing church play. i prayed more sometimes and sometimes i did not pray for days. i saw christians do such loving things and then such hateful and bigoted and deceitful things. that is how all of us can be, though, and i know that. it is just being human. what i wonder now, more than ever, is how can any of us be at all one hundred percent sure that what we believe is the truth? that sounds like such an obvious question, but for someone who was shamed and intimidated into accepting an idea of God for so many years, it is a potentially life-changing question. and here is why. i have stayed in a relationship with God out of fear that, if i leave or question too much or look into some other form of belief, God will punish me. it is no different than the relationship of an abusive spouse and his or her abused partner. you stay because you are afraid not to. it is oppressive and stifling and you wonder sometimes Why don't I just leave? this is the thing: i do believe there is a God. i would never be so prideful to say that i am positive there is not. and there is just something in me and all around me that speaks to me as something greater than myself and than what we can see. i do not know, however, who that God is or what the God is like. and, more to the point, i do not know if i want a relationship with that God at all. . . .

those angels really did have nice hair, though.