partner

about two years and four months ago, i married someone. nathan, to be exact. we had already known each other for 8 years, dated for a total of about 4 years in that time and decided we would make the commitment of getting married. it sounds so passive, like "getting caught" or "getting sick"- like it just happens to you. which is why, after two years and four months, i made another decision. i went on facebook a few weeks ago and changed our relationship status to "domestic partnership." i know. facebook, really? who cares? it's just facebook. and i'm sure there are plenty of our friends who didn't even notice the change. a few did and actually commented on it with questions or with encouragement. but i didn't really care who noticed, because i made this very insignificant gesture out of a very significant personal realization. for a while now i have felt like this marriage thing did just happen to me. like i didn't choose this kind of life, but that it just bombarded me. what started innocently and happily enough in a super-cute white jessica mcclintock dress has become this uncomfortable and unrelenting assault on my life. . . .

i didn't choose marriage. i chose nathan. the term "marriage" is just that-- a term. it means different things to different people and, at the end of it all, it is a document. to me, marriage had meant romance, happiness, a few trials, but only of the major kind like cancer or car accidents or one of us in a wheel chair. the kind of trials that you see in the most romantic of nicholas sparks movies. and, even though i was thirty years old when i married, i had a child's understanding of what it meant. which is why i have chosen to think of things as they truly are. and for some people, this is highly confusing and very UNromantic. the word "marriage" is defined as "a social institution," "the state of union," and "a blending or matching of elements." those things are all going on in this relationship i have with nathan. but, more importantly, the thing that is going to keep us together through the many big and little crap storms that have already come and will continue to come, is the constant realization that we are partners. we didn't just "get married." we each chose a partner for the rest of our lives. it didn't just happen to us, but we made the choice and have to keep making it every second of every day. a partner is defined in these ways- "people associated in a joint venture, sharing in its risks and profits; a player on the same side or team as another; two people who dance together. . . ." so, yeah. i choose to have nathan as my partner. it saddens me to think that there are people who want, more than anything, to marry their boyfriend or girlfriend, but legally can't. for that reason as well i choose to honor the truth and the strength of partnership. lots of people can get themselves married and divorced. i just believe it takes a real strength to choose someone, commit to the venture, sharing in all the loss and the profits and be forever on his or her team. and, of course, dance together. and i think that's pretty romantic.

thanks for being my partner, nate.