home

the first time i went back to new york after years of not living there, i was unpleasantly surprised at one thing: it felt so HUGE. i realize this is new york i'm talking about, but the crazy thing is, my memories of growing up there- taking buses, riding subways, hanging out in central park, shuffling down street after street- were all saturated with this smallness. i never felt like it was this enormous place, no matter how many people i passed in a day or the amount of blocks we'd have to walk to get to the store. the city was home and home was this small, small world. i believe now that the city seemed so small because my view of it was based entirely in my own mind. i saw what was important to me- my school, my favorite corner store, the park, my favorite ferry, whatever it was. my childhood vision was myopic and it took many years and time away for me to see the truth of the matter- that my childhood home is a big place with thousands of other schools, parks and stores that i never thought to pay attention to before. being back there i felt more disoriented than at home, more aware and, oddly enough, more on the outside looking in. i was a tourist.
the same feeling struck me in the most unexpected of places yesterday-- at a coffeehouse in grove city. a friend's parents invited us to a little gathering with music, art and spoken word and worship or, as my husband so delicately called it, "the Jesus show." i went because i figured, at the very least, i'd be able to hang out with a few people i really enjoy and maybe partake of a delicious baked good. perhaps i should have known when we got there and the baked goods were gone for the night that this would prove to be another experience in feeling disoriented, but i was still game. and then the strangest thing started to happen.
i had been the all star super christian born-again girl in college. i attended every conference, weekly meetings, bible studies, small groups, spring break missions trips, the works. i was not a stranger to groups of people worshiping with music and dancing and singing. but, like coming back home after years of being away, i was a tourist in this strange land. and where i used to feel this compact, neat little warmth of feeling in a worship setting, i just felt overwhelmed and unfamiliar. and i didn't know what to do with this kind of feeling. i stepped outside for a bit, but couldn't really get time alone and, so , when i went back inside i tried again to make myself at home there, to sing something, to even sway a little bit. and i couldn't. i felt like a fraud even trying. all i could think about was the fact that all of these perfectly nice people were engaged in this apparently sincere experience, talking and singing and worshiping a god-- the same one i used to sing to-- and i just couldn't do it. my brain wouldn't stop wondering what was wrong with me, if anything was wrong with me.
i wondered at this all night and even most of today. i'm not sure, but i think this was the problem: i couldn't worship something i didn't know. i couldn't sing and pray to something or someone that i couldn't identify in some way. at least not in that manner. i realized later that i still talk to god and i still pray. i mostly do those things at random points during the day and, perhaps the most worshipful time of any day is the 15 minutes i do some yoga. i try to worship the truth of a loving god in my daily interactions with people-- which i also fail miserably at on a daily basis. and i try, no matter what, to remember that because there is so much evil in our hearts and, therefore, in this world, the antidote is also out there and, therefore, in our hearts as well if we allow it.
i guess god has been a city for me that started small and familiar and a bit self-made. i was very comfortable and secure in my own world of moral rights and wrongs, limited understanding and spiritual obligation. it seems it has taken years away for me to see the truth of the matter. God is HUGE. for all i know, there are thousands of other ways to see God, to know God, to pursue God, to touch God, to feel God. i love that the people at that little coffeehouse dancing and singing had found their way to do that. i pray that, for those of you who wish it so, you keep finding your way as well. God bless you.